Great Joke

I don't normally insert jokes but this one just has me laughing again and again:

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Natasha Richardson

Sometimes someone we have never known, or met before, departs this world but the ripple effect reaches far and wide and washes up on our own shore. I feel unbelievable sad hearing the news about Natasha Richardson. My heart goes out to her family.

Men in Kilts

Another of my favorate humorous Scottish ads

My Novel

Well the novel is finally finished. ALL I need to do now if find an Agent. Easy stuff. Find an Agent, hope they like your manuscript, hope the publisher will like it. Hope the editor will take it on. Hope the the sales rep can sell it to the bookseller and hope someone out there wants to read such a wonderful hidden gem.

Here is the first chapter.

Chapter One
The hassle of customs was behind her and at long last she could unleash her suppressed excitement. She raced through the arrivals to exit the airport in record time; then dumped her bags on the pavement, raised her face to the typical grey skies, took a long deep breath and sighed. She was home. She didn’t question why she had taken this impromptu visit; less than 24 hours before she had been slouching at her desk, stabbing the keyboard with her finger, uninterested in the contents of the document she was composing. Ping. An email advertising seat sales popped up. That got her attention. She sat up straight. Smiled to her self. Pressed a button, and here she was.
She stepped forward and lifted her hand to hail a cab and the toe of her Gucci boot clipped the duty free bag causing the contents to rattle. She bent to steady the clanking bottles. At that moment, a mud splattered Range Rover skidded up on to the kerb in front of her causing her to stumble back in alarm. In the mist of the ensuing exchange of horns, her taxi took off jerking back into the heavy stream of traffic. She spun around prepared to confront the interloper and instead of blasting them she melted into a fit of Squealing. The figure leaping from the screeching vehicle was none other than her older brother.
“Rhiana ma darling,” Stuart yelled. He swaggered over, scooped her up in a bone-crushing hug, and spun her off her feet until she was breathless. “Tsk, tsk, young sis; did you really think after travelling 3,000 miles we’d leave you to the mercy of a Glasgow cabbie?”
He was a sight for sore eyes, standing there wagging his finger at her in mock disapproval. “I should have known better,” she said.
Rhiana had barely caught her breath when her other brother, Greg, came bounding around the far side of the car and grabbed her, swinging her around once again in a head spinning circle.
“Ah guess you were right Stuart,” Greg said. “It was close…but we made it.” He placed Rhiana firmly on her feet, and glanced at her glowing face, before giving in and squeezing her in another firm hug.
Stuart took this opportunity to grab the duty free bag and flee.
“You want to grab that other bag,” he called over his shoulder to Greg.
“Awe man,” Greg grumbled. He watched the bag of alcohol disappear. “I was slow off the mark there, eh?” He shrugged and picked up Rhiana’s luggage then hurried after Stuart in a bid to limit the distance between him self and the duty free.
Rhiana laughed at the antics of her brothers. “You two should seek professional help. I really didn’t want anyone to go out their way. I knew you were up north…” She stopped suddenly and glared at them, “Please don’t tell me you left the cottage to get here!”
Her suspicions were confirmed when she spotted the awkward glance her brothers exchanged. She hurried over to them. “I’m really pissed off at you two,” she snarled but her beaming smile softening the anger of her words as she linked arms with them,. “You shouldn’t have done this…but thanks.” Her accent grew strong with emotion. “Let’s get out of here. I’m so glad to be home and now I want to get going and see the great sights this glorious city has to offer. You Muppets take it all for granted.”
“Our city…glorious? Heh Greg, are you hearing Holly Golightly here?” Stuart asked. He opened the back door for his sister to climb in. “The high altitude must have addled her brain. The brothers exchanged grins across the car roof and waited. They weren’t disappointed.
Rhiana let out a squeal of delight when she heard, “Surprise.”
Her best friend Fiona was hiding in the back seat.
Rhiana scrambled in and thumped Fiona on the arm then grabbed her in an emotional embrace. “I can’t believe you.” Rhiana squealed again. “It’s bloody 6:30 in the morning.” In that moment, she thought it might be possible to burst from happiness “Saturday bleeding morning at that. You lot are usually just getting in from a night of drunken debauchery.”
“Well then some things never change, do they hen.” Stuart teased as he climbed into the front passenger seat. “What makes you think we’ve been to bed yet?” He yawned in support of his statement. “We raced back through hill and glen once we’d made the executive decision to try and make your flight.” He patted his younger brother on the shoulder. “Drive on McDuff; the sooner we can dump the excess baggage, the sooner we can carry on with the party. After all, we just came along for the free booze and gifts,” said Stuart lifting and a bottle of Gin and a bottle of vodka up over his shoulder so Fiona could see. “What’s your poison babes?”
Fiona ignored him and turned to Rhiana. “We couldn’t wait to see you pet. Once we got your message you were coming this morning we figured we had the rest of our lives to sleep.” They hugged again and giggled like a pair of teenagers.
You look absolutely fecking amazing.” Fiona said looking Rhiana up and down. “What’s going on? And why the last minute decision to come home? I mean, you were just here a few months ago and now here you are acting like you haven’t been home in years.” Fiona’s expression clouded over. “Is everything okay? Does this have anything to do with Ross? Is that why you’re sitting there looking radiant? Oh please, please, please gawd don’t tell me you’re getting married?” Fiona didn’t give Rhiana a chance to answer before launching into a tirade. “Before you say a word,” she held up her hand to silence Rhiana, “I have to get this off my chest now while I still have the courage. Personally, I can’t see you two together. I mean he is drop dead gorgeous. I’ll give you that, but…well…” She hesitated for a moment, observing Rhiana’s reaction before continuing. “I’m only your closest friend in life, right? I’ve only known you from the cradle. So what do I know?” She paused, considering her next words carefully. “But, honestly…Rhiana…I think there’s something not quite right about him. You Know. I don’t think he’s right up here…” said Fiona prodding her temple with her index finger before taking hold of Rhiana’s hand and holding it between her own. “And I’ll leave it at that shall I? I’m sorry pet. Look at me getting all aunt Jemima on you and you’ve only just arrived. But you know I’m only saying this because I care and he worries me?”
Rhiana’s smile faded as she acknowledged her friend’s advice. “Actually, you’re right.” She placed her free hand on top of her pal’s and patted it, her beautiful smile returning, “…and don’t ask me why I came home again, I haven’t a clue.” She shrugged. “I was at the office, working away, and this persistent little voice in my head kept saying, “go home; go home; go home.” so here I am. Weird eh?” She shrugged. “So you see, it’s got nothing to do with Ross…although, now you mention it, I will have to deal with him now I’m here; And, you’ll be happy to know, especially after hearing your not so subtle opinion of him, I’d already decided to end things.” She made a slashing gesture across her throat.
Fiona let out a big sigh of relief and rubbed Rhiana’s arm. “I wouldn’t worry too much about how he’s going to take it. He positively causes whiplash just by walking by. He might look like Brad but at the end of the day hen if he ain’t got it he ain’t got it.” Fiona said and regarded Rhiana with a tender smile. “Don’t you think it might be better to get it over with A-sap? That way it’s not praying on your mind over the holiday.” She waited to see if Rhiana agreed.
Rhiana wrinkled her nose in distaste and nodded. “Yeah, I guess.” She didn’t relish seeing him again. He was a smooth talker but when he didn’t get his way he could be a quite aggressive. She would have to stand her ground and not let him sway her decision. It would only postpone the inevitable.
Greg diverted Rhiana and Fiona’s attention by cranking up the radio. “I would walk five Hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more…” He was screeching at the top of his lungs drowning out the radio while he smoothly zipped in and out the speeding traffic gesturing for the girls to join in. “…just to be the man that falls down at…” They all chanted together as they made their way into the city centre.

chapter one version 2 coming up

Aye.phone

You were in my arms for the shortest time
But life with you was mighty fine
Now your gone from my warm embrace
you've left in my pocket a weightless space

I can only hope that in days ahead
you'll find the shelter of a snug wee bed
Then make your way to the lost and found
till you return to me all safe and sound.

You & Me

I spoke and you heard the things I never said
I cried and you saw the tears I could not shed
I sobbed and you felt the pain within my shell
You beheld the grief that was my hell

You soothed away my hopeless dreams
And bathed my face in moonlight beams
You banish aches from deep inside
Hope and love are once more my guide

I no longer need to up and run
From a crippled life devoid fun
You shelter me from surrounding woes
And together we challenge those unseen foes

Invisible Tears

The aura of your existence echoes
As we move apart
Invisible tears cascade, flowing o'er
Ruptures etched into my heart
In my confusion I stumble inwards
Lost in the chaos of my mind
Gone is a special part of me
I know not who is left behind

Now I must explore
The essence of myself
And seek the other side of me
I put high up on the shelf
For love can not be limited
To shape or size or form
Or to one sweet lonely aura
That will part upon the morn

I Smelt The Flowers

I smelt the flowers, I felt the breeze
Caress my face on bended knees
My heart was strong, and in full flight
The bloom of youth was pure and bright

Spiteful people and dishonest love
Made me believe I had no worth
I did things wrong I went too far
I was stupid and afraid so I pushed the bar

My soul weak and self abused
My life was empty, I felt so used
Cynical and raw I had no trust
I truly believed I was eternally cursed

I’d had affairs along the way
But good or bad I could never stay
I glanced around and there was you
My lips were parched, my eyes were too

Gazing at you across that room
My breath stopped short my heart went boom
I couldn’t move, your eyes they knew
As did that little grin you do

In you was home, the truth I saw
The look we shared was pure but raw
We’d made mistakes and felt the sting
And struggled on with broken wing

You crossed the room, you took my hand
You led me from the painful land
Of one night stands and broken dreams
And gave me life in moonlight beams